It's been two years since Type 1 Diabetes came into our lives. How do I feel?
I feel thankful.
I feel tired.
And I feel...normal. Yeah, normal. Huh. Who would have thought? I feel normal.
I guess that's good. My brain has reconfigured. Reconciled. It now has a dedicated diabetes thought process that runs continuously. My stress cup has a reserved volume dedicated to diabetes so there is less room than before for other stresses. But basically this is just what we do now. I don't have to like that this is what we do now, and I don't, but for the better part of each day we just live our lives. The good, old fashion, comfortable routine of life.
Two years ago I could not imagine that constant, unrelenting panicky feeling ever subsiding. The exhaustion. The ever present certainty that I didn't have a freakin' clue what I was doing. Really knowing what it meant to live day by day. The fatigue. So much fatigue I worried I would do something wrong and harm the girls. The overwhelming urge to wrap my babies protectively in my arms and never let them out of my site*. The worry. The crushing, paralyzing heartbreak.
Of course these things are still around. Some seem to spend most of their time hibernating and others just take naps. Except the heartbreak. I can't get the heartbreak to sleep but at least it mostly sits quietly in the corner. It feels a lot longer than two years but here we are. Our normal.
My girls are here with me. Beautiful. Healthy. Thriving. Laughing. Living.
|Roo and Pink|
*sometimes used in place of "sight" when a d-mama's brain is not fully reconciled.