I have to remember the girls don't see things the same as I do. The girls' memories are not what I think they are.
The other day Roo and I were reminiscing. We were recalling our weekly trips to the library when the girls were younger. I love our library. My memories go to the quiet and the browsing of the books in the small children's room. How the girls always started reading the books instead of putting them in the check-out pile. Sometimes we would be in a rush and sometimes we would have time to sit at the mini table and chairs together and read a book. (I would bang my knee every time!) Then we would head home with a book bag so loaded the strap would cut into my fingers.
Roo only remembers how she wanted the prizes. That's right...the prizes.
What? That's it? The prizes from the summer reading program? Not the warm fuzzy of the library and the books and how they smell and the mommy/daughter time?
In regards to diabetes, I see myself as a mother keeping her kids healthy and safe. I would hope my girls would remember that I took good care of them and readied them to be adults with diabetes. I'm afraid Roo is going to remember me, post diagnosis, as a sleep-deprived zombie obsessed with diabetes. Some comments have come up indicating that she does not like that I check them at night resulting in my loss of sleep. She even has commented how the numbers have been good - "We'll be OK - get some rest." There have been some sighs if I'm seen reading a book or website about diabetes.
I think I'm successfully integrating the daily management, reading, night checks with all the other life stuff but I think she sees a different picture. What she sees now will build her memories. I don't want her to remember the zombie or remember how she worried about the zombie. Or the unspeakable...if she blames herself...how her diagnosis of diabetes created the zombie.
I'm not willing to give up what I do to educate and keep Roo and Pink healthy. Do I hide some of it? I kind of want them to see my hard work and maybe set that as a base line for the effort they'll need to put in as an adult. Or maybe that will make them feel totally defeated later when they go through a burnout stage?! It would be good to talk a little about it with them but they hate talking about diabetes. Maybe I should just sit them down for a very short chat. But then they might clam up even more. How am I supposed to know?! Time is moving too fast.
I guess I can only reassure them (but keep doing what I'm doing) and increase the warm fuzziness of life and hope those memories stick. Instead of saying "Do you remember when you had that geyser that shot clear across the table when lancing your finger?" (which I thought was hysterical) I'll say "Do you remember that time I thought I lost you at the library and you were sitting on the floor reading, hidden between the book stacks?
But then again, at the start of this I said "the girls don't see things the same as I do" so when Roo says "get some rest" she probably just wants to get rid of me!